The following is a story told in a series of vignettes.

I’m hyperventilating but it feels like I can’t breathe. My mind’s constantly racing, trying to evade downward corridors. Every moment like this, I wish for it to end. I can’t think properly; I’m too preoccupied. One day I’ll find solace but that’s little comfort today. Fixing it should be possible but it’s not. Everything around me should be collapsing but it’s not. It’s almost frustrating how normal it all is. Every beat of my heart is greatly laboured, every breath is off-tilt, every thought has fear attached to it.

I forgot I was upset a moment ago. That was a nice reprieve. I’ve remembered again, and it’s just as horrible as it was before. My body doesn’t know how to cope. My body doesn’t feel like mine, my mind doesn’t feel like mine, I’m prisoner to this feeling. Will it ever go away?

I spent last night in torment. I didn’t want to be, I kept telling myself to do other things, but my mind always crawls back to this. It’s not the end of the world but it feels like it is. I need to stop tormenting myself. I need to do better. I should have never let this happen.

A friend asked me how it was going. I was honest with them. I’m hurting, but I’m not hurting myself. I need to not hurt myself. It feels good to torment myself; to make myself sick with my anguish. But it’s hard on my body. It’s hard on my mind. I need to not do that.

My friend gave me some advice. I listened and appreciate it, but it’s not going to be helpful. Any advice someone can give I’ve told myself and tried a thousand times. All I can do is wait. All I can do is wait for the torment to subside. I’m not even sure what the future is from here. I don’t want to think of how much it’s changed, but my mind drags itself back there.

I spent today getting back into some old hobbies. It was a comfortable nostalgia that reminded me of a better time. My mind drags me back to the present. The torment I feel is still there, even if I go through the motions as if it wasn’t. But I can keep going. I kept doing my thing, enjoying my hobbies. I’m right to do that, I deserve that.

I spent today working on something I’m proud of. It was a creative endeavour, something uncommon for me. But it felt like a moment’s reprieve, as I was too busy making creative decisions to worry about this lingering beast of emotions in my head. But I had to stop early, as the beast overcame me. I’ll try again tomorrow.

It was a tough month. I’m still upset over what happened, but I think I’m doing okay. I still feel overwhelmed at times, but I digest it. I get choked up when I think too much, but I’ve gotten better at the recovery. I don’t want to go back to where I was before. I’m traumatized, to be frank. Maybe I’ll never be able to do that again. At least that’s how it feels for now.

It’s been a few months. I’ve found something new. Something that reminds me of that time. It makes me feel better. It makes me feel nostalgic. I’m not sure I can have that again, but maybe I’ll find something that makes me feel similar. I want to live and to move on. Have I moved on already? That’s weird to think about. I’m going to say no.

Wow, this year really flew by. I can’t believe it’s been a year since that happened even. I was just thinking about it the other day. My friend told me they were really worried about me at the time, but I waved them off. It wasn’t so bad. And hey, I found something new. Something I value just as much. I built it myself, with the help of those close to me, and I think I made it much better than last time.

If that happens again, I think I can handle it. I’m thankful for the growth the experience gave to me. I still don’t really know what the future is, but I know I’m gonna be glad to be there.

It’s all okay.